THE WISDOM OF ABIGAIL: A MODEL FOR GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS People Skill #4: Seasoning Your Word {con't}4/24/2017
 Great communicators get to the point. An old African proverb says, “Blessed is he who is brief, for he will be invited to speak again.” When it comes to communication, less really is more. Fewer words have a greater impact.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 says, “Do not be rash with your mouth…and let your words be few.” Proverbs 10:19 also warns us: “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” One should not make the mistake of thinking that being a good communicator means being a big talker. There’s a huge difference. The key to skillful communication is the conveyance of information with the least amount of words possible. In fact, some of the greatest, most inspirational speeches were also some of the shortest ever made. Winston Churchill’s “Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat” speech was just over three minutes long. Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was a mere 271 words and took only two minutes. Rev. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech was 17 minutes long and is regarded as the greatest sermon of the American Civil Rights movement. Learn a lesson from America’s ninth president, William Henry Harrison. On March 4, 1841, a cold and wet day, he delivered the longest inaugural address in American history. At 8,445 words, it took him nearly two hours to read. As a result, he caught a cold which developed into pneumonia and it killed him. The lesson is clear: more words, less impact; less words, more impact. Great communicators must be people of discipline who can control their tongues. They must resist the urge to impress people with their vast wisdom and wealth of experience. They must refrain from dominating the conversation and making themselves the center of focus. Get to the point, make it quick, and then be silent. Let someone else speak. I would rather be known as someone whose less words have great impact, “like apples of gold in settings of silver,” than someone who talks too much and has nothing to say. Abigail’s speech to David wasn’t long, but it made a powerful, persuasive impression. Understand this truth: Silence makes you smart, but many words make you stupid. Proverbs reinforces this: “He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive (Proverbs 17:27-28). For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon. THE WISDOM OF ABIGAIL: A MODEL FOR GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS PEOPLE SKILL #4: SEASONING YOUR WORD4/17/2017
 Great communicators don’t accuse and condemn. There will always be misunderstandings, offenses, and difficult confrontations that we must navigate in life. People who can do so in a way that restores relationships rather than driving people away will always excel. It’s important to be right, but it’s better to be right without offending the people around you and isolating yourself.
Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” When you perceive that a person is in the wrong, the best way to approach it is not with a condemnation. Instead, remember that you may have misunderstood the person or misinterpreted their position. Therefore, approach the conversation with a humble and meek spirit. Say to them, “Help me understand something,” or, “There’s something I’m not clear about.” And then go on to state what you perceive as the person’s position. In situations where you’re confronting behavior that you know the person is guilty of, rather than accusing them of trying to hurt you or be negligent, use the approach: “When you do that, it makes me feel like you…,” or “Whenever you say that, I have the perception that you…,” and then state how you feel. Remember that whenever you accuse or condemn someone, they will always go on the defensive. This escalates the exchange and causes friction to turn into firestorms. People who can deescalate and speak calmly and with control are perceived as calm and controlled people who seek excellence and professionalism. Be that kind of a person and you’ll go to the next level. For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon.  One of the greatest social blunders made by people today is talking too much. They go on, and on, and on—talking and talking—long after when the listener has stopped listening. Unfortunately, these social tyrants don’t even realize that the person to whom they are speaking just wants to get away from them. Even more, they become known as someone to avoid—or they will “chew your ear off.” If you’re going to be an effective communicator, you must begin with the realization that God gave you two ears and one mouth which means you should do twice as much listening as you do talking. James 1:19 tells us: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. Too often I speak to people and it’s clear that when I finally get a chance to say something, they aren’t really listening—they are just thinking about what they are going to say next. Listening needs to be “active.” It needs to be intentional and focused attention. It’s putting your own need to be heard on pause and deliberately “tuning in” to the other person’s frequency in a way that they can detect you are interested in them. Great communicators ask good questions. Any person can talk about what’s important to himself, but it’s the skilled communicator who can draw conversation out of another and provoke from them a desire to listen. Proverbs 20:5 tells us that “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” We do this by showing a genuine interest in what they have to say through asking questions. If there is a specific issue that the person is concerned about, take the time to ask about the details. Draw out from them the who, what, where, when, and how. Don’t be quick to offer advice and solutions or give an opinion. Most people are not interested in your opinion—most people simply want to be heard. They are not being selfish or egotistical, they are satisfying a need. Talking is therapeutic. Talking allows a person to process information and sort through the details. By listening and asking questions, you’re serving that person’s need to express and process. In doing so, you not only meet a basic need in that person, but also provoke in them a very favorable impression of you. Great communicators seek to clarify. Proverbs 12:18 tells us: “Words that are reckless pierce like a knife, but the tongue of the wise promotes healing.” Additionally, Proverbs 29:20 asks: “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Communication can often be misunderstood. Too often the listener attaches meaning to certain verbal tones or physical cues and the result is an offense often blown out of proportion. Everyone has certain filters through which information must be interpreted. Unfortunately, for many people, these filters are not always healthy or clear. Some people carry deep wounds from their past which cause them to distort certain statements. It’s like viewing events through a cracked windshield: Everything is distorted through old scars and painful experiences. As statements are processed through these distortions, they can be misunderstood and blown to extremes. This is often why minor conflicts escalate into major arguments that hurl accusations and unfair characterizations. Not least of which are ubiquitous phrases such as: “you always…” or “you never...” or “why can’t you ever…?” The wise communicator understands that these filters—or cracked windshields—are always present. So, before she reacts with emotion and escalates the exchange, she will restate certain remarks to clarify the intent of the speaker. She will say, “Let me be sure I understand what you’re saying, I think I hear you say…,” then she restates what she thinks the person said, asking for accuracy. Upon hearing what was perceived, the person will often retract certain statements and clarify their position. It’s a people skill that deescalates heated exchanges and brings common sense back into the dialogue. For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon. THE WISDOM OF ABIGAIL: A MODEL FOR GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS People Skill #3: Listening to Understand4/3/2017
 Great communicators are good listeners. In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains that most of people are preoccupied with being “understood” rather than seeking to “understand.” But great communicators know how to “shut-up and listen.”
Communication is not simply talking to convey information. That’s only a part of it. In fact, it’s a rather small part. The most important part of communication is listening. It’s receiving and understanding what the other person is feeling, thinking and saying before you express your own thoughts and opinions. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” If you want to avoid folly and shame, seek to understand, rather than seeking to be understood. One of the greatest social blunders made by people today is talking too much. They go on, and on, and on—talking and talking—long after when the listener has stopped listening. Unfortunately, these social tyrants don’t even realize that the person to whom they are speaking just wants to get away from them. Even more, they become known as someone to avoid—or they will “chew your ear off.” If you’re going to be an effective communicator, you must begin with the realization that God gave you two ears and one mouth which means you should do twice as much listening as you do talking. James 1:19 tells us: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. Too often I speak to people and it’s clear that when I finally get a chance to say something, they aren’t really listening—they are just thinking about what they are going to say next. Listening is focused attention. It’s putting your own need to be heard on pause and deliberately “tuning in” to the other person’s frequency. To be an active listener means you’re responding with certain cues to indicate you’re “tuned-in” and receiving. Verbal responses, such as “Yes, I hear you,” or “I see,” or “I didn’t realize that,” and visual indicators like nodding in the affirmative and direct eye contact, all send the message that you’re focused and engaged. Body language is equally important. If your arms and legs are crossed and your face is grimaced, it implies that you’re resistant and opposed to what is being said. But if your hands are down and you lean forward, looking the person in the eye, it suggests that you’re receiving and respecting what is being said (even though you may not agree). A recent report in Harvard Business Review indicated that 55 percent of the meaning in our words is derived from facial expressions. Thirty-eight percent is in how the words are said (tone). Seven percent is in the actual words spoken. Body language, eye contact, posture, and verbal cues are an essential part of communication—especially to express that we are respectful and engaged listeners. And when you’re perceived as a respectful listener, you earn the right to be listened to. For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon. |
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It was concerning King Saul that David said, “How the mighty have fallen, and the weapons of war perished.” His was a life that began with great promise and celebration, but ended in miserable failure and humiliation. His life is an example of how the mightiest of leaders fail.
Why do great men and women fall? How do leaders, quick to ascend with such promise of unparalleled success, find themselves awash in disastrous failure and disgrace? More importantly, can the path toward one’s downfall be discerned before it’s too late and be avoided? It is the premise of my newest book, How The Mighty Have Fallen that such a decline can be detected and reversed. The life and leadership career of King Saul, Israel's first king, provides us with a treasury of examples of "what not to do." The below blog post is the first in series of excerpts from the book to examine and avoid Saul's mistakes and find a successful path through leadership. READ AN EXCERPT |
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