THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM GREGG JOHNSON'S LATEST BOOK, "HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN." FOR MORE INFO, CLICK HERE.

“Then it happened one evening that David arose from his bed and walked on the roof of the king's house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful to behold. So David sent and inquired about the woman. And someone said, ‘Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ Then David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her, for she was cleansed from her impurity; and she returned to her house”  (2 Samuel 11:2-4).  
 
As king over Israel, David had unique access that only his authority could give. His power, his influence was irresistible. Even if Bathsheba wanted to repel the king’s advances, she had no chance against the sovereign command he had over her life and that of her family. Sadly, he used his position to bring Uriah’s wife under his control and took advantage of her.

Leaders, whether they realize it or not, have a certain amount of influence over those who submit to their authority. This is especially true when the spiritual leader assumes the role of a counselor to those who are suffering or in need.

In fact, many of the people attending our churches are deeply troubled and emotionally wounded. They may be going through a divorce or suffering neglect in their marriage; they may be reeling from childhood trauma or working through issues of rejection and insecurity. As a result, many of these struggling saints are very needy; they may lack self-worth or are looking for affirmation and support. Many are broken hearted; they are lonely and afraid. And most are simply looking for a compassionate ear to listen to them and validate their pain.

As pastors, we are called to love these suffering souls with empathy and understanding. We need to guide them to the Healer who can mend their wounded spirits. However, as we minister to them, we need to be very cautious. There is a great danger here—a subtle snare—especially when the one coming to us for comfort is of the opposite sex. 
 
Naturally, when she (or he) comes to you—the pastor—you listen. You show compassion, understanding, affirmation and love, the very things that she (or he) is in desperate need of. As a result, an unhealthy attachment can develop. She begins to regard you as a special person in her life: her source of empowerment, support and self-worth. She comes emotionally dependent on you and—if you are not careful—she subconsciously begins to see you as her surrogate parent or spouse. Emotionally, you become the father or husband she has always longed for.

And if that’s not bad enough, this dependence can affect you—the pastor—as well. It becomes very gratifying to know that you are so important, so needed and such a powerful force in someone’s life. In fact, many pastors, who themselves are emotionally wounded and insecure, need to be needed. They need to know they are admired, respected, and appreciated. And it is especially gratifying when the one appreciating you is a younger, attractive member of the
opposite sex. 

It becomes even more gratifying when the pastor’s emotional needs go unmet in his own marriage. If his wife continually nags, complains, and tears him down—if she often criticizes him and threatens his self-worth—then he too may develop a dependency on the counseling relationship. Not because he is receiving counsel, but because he is receiving what he needs emotionally: respect, affirmation, a sense of importance and self-worth—things that he cannot get anywhere
else.

The result is an emotionally dependent pastor–parishioner relationship. It is an extremely dangerous snare. It is
very often the beginning of an affair.

There are three rules that will deliver you from this  snare.

First and foremost, love your spouse.  The best defense against falling in love with a parishioner is to stay in love
with your wife.  Learn to appreciate the better qualities of your spouse, make an effort to talk with her and compliment her and express your affection. Remember that love grows through expression and dies with neglect. Proverbs 5:18-20 emphasizes this as well: “...rejoice with the wife of your youth.  As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?”

Second, let the sisters counsel the sisters (and the brothers counsel the brothers). Titus 2:3-4 says, “the older women…(should) admonish the young women.” The Apostle Paul understood human nature well when he told church leaders to stay away from those young women. “If they need admonition or counsel,” the wise apostle wrote, “let the older, godly women take care of it.” Amen!

After a recent Sunday Morning service, I was in the church lobby greeting people as they departed the sanctuary. Suddenly, a young, attractive, blonde woman approached me. I had never met her before and greeted her as I do all new visitors. As we shook hands, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Your sermon really touched me today. I’ve been going through some really difficult times lately and…” She paused to wipe a tear from her eye with a handkerchief. “And I think you might be able to help me. Do you think we could meet together during the week and talk privately?”

At that moment, a million red flags went up in my head and warning sirens began to scream in my spirit. It was the Holy Ghost imprint on my character telling me, “Danger, danger—this is trouble! Don’t do it.” With that, I looked at her with sincere compassion in my eyes and said, “You know what I think you really need? You know what I think could really help you? We have some powerful, experienced, Holy Spirit- anointed sisters in our church. They are the wives of our deacons and elders and pastors; in fact, there is one right behind you. Let me introduce you to her. I know she would be glad to meet with you and talk and pray with you and…”

“No thanks.” She said. Her eyes cleared up. The tremble in her voice disappeared. The hanky was stuffed into her purse. She thrust her chin up, brushed her hair out of her face and out the door she went. I never saw her again.

Did I offend her? Perhaps, but I take no chances with my integrity. Did I miss out on an opportunity to heal a hurting soul? Absolutely not. I offered her an opportunity to meet with some powerful, deeply wise and spiritual women. They would have ministered the grace and love of God to that lady in a way that no man could ever minister to her. Sadly, she rejected it. 
 
Keep it short and simple. In other words, if you must counsel the opposite sex, provide compassion and counsel but stay focused on the issue at hand. Refrain from offering the kind of support and sympathy that produces an emotional connection leading to a dependency. As well, keep the session short and simple. Avoid delving into issues and areas that are deep and intimate, emotionally volatile and require excessive amounts of time. If the counselee requires that kind of attention, refer him or her to a professional or a counselor of the same sex.

The Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology and Counseling suggests that the technique of “co-counseling” is often necessary in situations where a counselee could develop an unhealthy attachment to the counselor. It explains that therapists can reduce the transference of affection and emotional dependence coming from a counselee by the use of co-therapists.  Using two counselors reduces the intensity of the patient’s attachment by dispersing it among the two.11  As much as possible, ministers should  use the same approach by referring counselees of the opposite sex to his or her  spouse, board member, or staff member.

Don’t be intimidated by someone’s neediness. Some people may try  to manipulate you into investing more time and energy than you should. But being  a pastor does not obligate you to being someone’s personal counselor 24 hours a  day, 7 days a week—especially with the opposite sex. A woman once complained to  her pastor, “I need you to be there for me more often. I need you to check on  me. I need to know I’m not alone.” Wisely, he said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not  going to do that. If you need some help, or advice, you can pick up the phone  and call the office. I’m there, as well as other staff members. But don’t expect  me to meet all your needs.”

THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM GREGG JOHNSON'S LATEST BOOK, "HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN." FOR MORE INFO, CLICK HERE.

Then Amnon said to Tamar his sister, ‘Bring the food into the bedroom.’ And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them to Amnon her brother in the bedroom. Now when she had brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, ‘Come, lie with me, my sister’” (2 Samuel 13:6-11).

Tamar was Amnon’s sister. He should have loved her as a brother and protected her well-being, but instead he allowed lust to consume him and he abused her sexually. It is a tragedy that, unfortunately, is played out again and again in the church community between brothers and sisters in Christ.

Leaders must recognize the dangers of developing a spiritual intimacy or "soul ties" with those of the opposite sex in church and ministry situations. I call it “Spiritual Adultery.” It's when one allows himself or herself to become more spiritually intimate and inappropriately attached to someone other than their own spouse.

As stated, Genesis 2:24 instructs a man to be joined to his wife. Not only is this a “joining” in the physical and emotional sense, it also refers to their being joined spiritually. Husbands are to be joined, or cleave, to their wives spiritually. They are to pray together, to minister together, to identify prophetically together. Unfortunately, there are some men and women who are cleaving spiritually to others of the opposite sex and not their own spouses. In essence, they are committing “spiritual adultery.”

What is “spiritual adultery?” It is when you seem to “connect” more “in the spirit” with some other man or woman. Maybe you have certain spiritual gifts—you are a prophet, an intercessor, a worship leader and this other person shares your same gifts and spiritual passions. The two of you seem so plugged into each other spiritually.

But your spouse, (sarcastically) just isn’t on the “same level” as you are spiritually. You try to tell your husband or wife what you are seeing prophetically, or what God showed you in a dream, or in prayer—and all your spouse seems to talk about is what's wrong with your relationship, your attitude, your character and what's wrong with you. Your husband or wife just isn’t spiritual.

But that brother or sister in the church understands. She is in tune with what God is doing in you. He understands the prophetic word, or the “dream God gave you.” She has the same burdens, the same insights. He prays for the same things and sees the same things—it is like God has given him or her to you as a “spiritual soul mate.”

Ridiculous! There is only one man or woman you are to be joined with: the one you married. Spiritual adultery occurs by joining yourself to another  and being more spiritually intimate with that person rather than your husband or wife.

Brother, if you are spiritually plugged into another woman and not your wife, you are in danger and you need to repent. Sister, you better stop praying with that man and go home and pray with your husband. Sir, stop prophesying to that woman and start prophesying to your wife, talking to your wife, and interceding with your wife. Why? Because most adultery does not begin with a sexual encounter, most adultery begins at the spiritual and emotional level.

It is also important to note that most adultery committed by pastors and church leaders does not occur with a prostitute, or a stranger in a one night stand; most adultery occurs with parishioners in the church. As noted from the above survey, among the respondent pastors who committed adultery, 69 percent came from within their own congregations, including 17 percent who were counselees. It is also interesting to note that most men and women never intended to have an affair. They never expected, or began a relationship with the plan for it to end in adultery. Affairs occur because they allow themselves to be drawn into emotional, spiritual relationships with that persona that they should be having with their spouse.

If you are committing spiritual or emotional adultery, you must end that relationship immediately! Stop talking to that person, stop visiting that person, stop calling him or her—erase their number from your cell phone. If you happen to be in the same ministry as that person, quit it immediately. If you are a pastor and he or she is in your church, you need to pull back completely. Keep your greetings short and sharp and withdraw from everything that encourages an emotional or spiritual intimacy between you.

Be firm and decisive! You don’t need to explain it to the tempter. You don’t need to have a meeting and tell him or her why you are pulling back. Don’t feel like she is entitled to an explanation; you don’t owe her anything, nor are you obligated to say anything more to her. The only one you are obligated to is your own spouse. So cut if off. No more conversations, no more prayer meetings, no more interaction whatsoever. “But what if he gets offended and leaves the church?” For your sake, the sake of your family, the sake of the church—and for his sake—that is probably the best thing.