THE WISDOM OF ABIGAIL: A MODEL FOR GOOD PEOPLE SKILLSPeople Skill #2: Speaking to Be Understood3/27/2017
 Effective communication is the ability to express oneself in a way to be clearly and accurately understood. It essentially involves two dynamics—listening to understand and speaking to be understood. If you fail to do either, you have failed to communicate.
Abigail was an excellent communicator. Through the skill of her words, she was able to deescalate a volatile situation and bring herself—and her family—into the good will of the soon-to-be king. Fortunately, her example is available to us today as well as other important references in the Word of God. Perhaps the greatest resource is the Book of Proverbs. Written by King Solomon, it provides rich truths regarding interpersonal relationships and people skills, some of which are described below. Great communicators have an acute sensitivity. The first thing Abigail did when she met David was show empathy for his position. She dismounted her donkey, bowed to the ground in respect and said, “Please, let not my lord regard this scoundrel Nabal. For as his name is, so is he: Nabal is his name, and folly is with him!” (1 Samuel 25:25). She was sensitive to the fact that David had been offended by her foolish husband, Nabal. By her actions and words, she validated David’s offense while anticipating that he needed to be shown respect. In so doing, she found in him a receptive ear. Before any word is even spoken, effective communicators have a type of “sixth sense”—an ability to put themselves “in the other person’s shoes” and see the issue from that person’s perspective. Rather than merely thrusting their own opinion forward, they have a keen awareness of how the information being shared, or how the circumstances at hand, are impacting their counterpart. Even more, they are able to pivot off that response with a more favorable approach, often adjusting their tone and temperament as needed. They will talk about their own ideas, but they do so in a way that also speaks to the needs, emotions and aspirations of the other person. This sensitivity enables them to “read between the lines.” They have the uncanny ability to understand what is not being said—or heard. These astute communicators know that conversation is more than just words— it’s also emotion. And they put forth the effort to sense and read that emotion. They know how to keep their hearts open and their mouths shut long enough to read, hear, and learn about their audience before they set out to speak, convince, and persuade them. By contrast, the ineffective communicator is like “a bull in china shop.” This person has no regard for how the other is being impacted by his words—he doesn’t care. The only thing that matters to him is getting his own point across. This low impact communicator is always bringing the conversation back to what he wants, how he is feeling, what he thinks is important, and why he should be heard. Sadly, this same person is usually left feeling frustrated, lonely, rejected, and insecure. Why? Because no one can tolerate him. He is seen as selfish, insensitive, and uncaring—and nobody wants that person on their team, despite their talent, education or good looks. For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon.  “Then David said to Abigail: ‘Blessed is the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand.” - 1 Samuel 25:32-22
Though her merits are numerous, Abigail’s ability to persuade started with one simple quality. She was likable. David was furious with Nabal and wanted vengeance. But, fortunately for Nabal, there was something in his wife that made David pause, something about her that softened his contempt and calmed the rage in his spirit. Abigail was disarming. She had a demeanor that enchanted David to let down his guard and listen—and be persuaded. Abigail was likable. The first step in developing people skills is being likable. It’s the condition of invoking a favorable and caring perception from people. Obviously, if people don’t like you, they will not allow themselves to be influenced or persuaded by you. Instead, they will see you as one not to be trusted. Abigail fell on her face before David. She bowed down to the ground and then asked to be heard. This is not to suggest we prostrate ourselves in the dirt, or slobber patronizing platitudes upon our prospect in order to win them over. No. But it does suggest that effective people skills begin with a few simple qualities to make us appealing and disarming to others. Be interested in others. Many people mistakenly believe that the way to be likable is to impress others. So, they talk about themselves, brag about their accomplishments, and try to sound interesting. Every conversation, every experience, every example, points back to, and puts the focus back on themselves. Perhaps driven by insecurity or a need for affirmation, they think that if people are impressed, those people will admire and respect them. But nothing could be further than the truth. The reality is most people find narcissists annoying and cannot wait to get away from them. If there is a secret to becoming likable, it’s this: learn to be more interested in others than you are in yourself. Remember names. Fundamental to good people skills is the ability to remember people’s names. When a person believes you value them, they will like you—and, remembering a person’s name is the most obvious way of making a person feel valued. Dale Carnegie said, “A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Why? Because it suggests to them that they have made an impression on you—that they matter to you. So much so, that their name has been fixed in your mind. Be appreciative. Likable people are generous with appreciation. To appreciate someone is to emphasize their value. Abigail did this when she addressed David as her “Lord” and presented the supplies for his men. She showed how much she respected and valued him. Every person wants to be respected. It’s the one, deep need that we all have but mostly goes unmet. Abraham Lincoln once said, “Everyone likes a compliment.” Psychologist William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” If you can learn how to appreciate the value in other people, in a sincere and genuine manner, you will increase your value to them—and become more likable. Never flatter. While it’s important to appreciate people, never stoop to flattery. Flattery is cheap, shallow, and insincere praise. It’s actually offensive to those who are discerning. Appreciation is different in that it’s genuine. True appreciation is specific and emphasizes a quality that one finds is truly remarkable and unique. Look for qualities in others that are unique and valuable. Mention to them, and others, how they blessed you and how their contribution was significant. But don’t over generalize—be specific and give details. Allow that person to sense the genuine regard you have for them through the details you describe. Be sincere. If you want to be valuable, learn to see the value in others first. Resist the urge to complain and criticize. Benjamin Franklin said, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Dale Carnegie wrote, “Any fool can criticize and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” People who complain and criticize are social brutes. They repel rather than attract. Effective people skills require social intelligence and finesse—the capacity to demonstrate tact and diplomacy in complex social situations. This is exactly how Abigail approached David. Contrary to her husband Nabal, who antagonized David with accusations and insults, Abigail was socially agile and diplomatic. With humility, she helped him to see that exacting vengeance would actually diminish his own integrity and become a black mark on his career. Clearly, Abigail wanted to change David, but she did so only through grace, charm, and wisdom. Remember to smile. Your smile matters. It makes a statement. It says, “I like you. I’m glad to see you. I want to be around you.” This is the effect your smile can have on the people around you. If you want to be likeable, learn how to smile. A supervisor at a big box store said she “would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn’t finished grade school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of philosophy with a somber face.” Remember that smiling is a discipline. It often requires us to be intentional. Don’t allow your emotions to determine what you wear on your face. We smile, not because we are happy, but because we are strong. For more information on the people skill of likability, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon.  1 Samuel 25:21-24
David wanted to kill him. Nabal had insulted him and his mighty men by refusing to compensate for their protection. His wrath was explosive and he demanded revenge. Nabal was so obtuse, he did not even realize what was about to befall him. Had it not been for Abigail, his wise and socially astute wife, he and every male in his household would have been violently executed by morning. Never underestimate the importance of people skills. No one goes to the next level without it. Those with such skills have a unique social intelligence—a capacity to navigate and negotiate complex social relationships and environments. For some people it comes naturally, for others like Nabal it does not. He was a scoundrel (Verse 25), a social misfit who was completely insensitive to how his actions and words were effecting those around him and it almost got him killed. Abigail, on the other hand, was a genius when it came to dealing with people. Although married to an ignorant brute, she demonstrated a remarkable proclivity and grace with people that not only saved every man in her home, it propelled her to the next level. Having won David’s affection by her finesse (and after Nabal died of a heart attack) Abigail married David and would become a queen over Israel. She was a hero. And her story is an example to demonstrate the crucial role that people skills have in success in life. In fact, there are three major components of people skills we can learn from Abigail to serve as an example for us: likability, empathy and communication. Over the next few weeks, I’ll post some blogs to explain Abigail’s use of people skills and how these would take her to the next level. For more information, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon.  Bill Hybels, Lead Pastor of Willow Creek Community Church, writes: “Never apologize for looking for maximum competence in your new teammates’ gifts and talents and capabilities that will take your ministry to the next level of effectiveness. But before you agree to hire them, be sure to run them through the chemistry screen.” The “chemistry screen” refers to how well people “fit” into the culture of your team. To Hybels, having character and competence wasn’t enough—if they lacked good “chemistry” and couldn’t “gel” with the other team members, they should not be hired. By contrast, leaders should always be looking for people who are empathetic, adaptable, and relate well to others. Their sensitivity to morale, unity, and the emotional needs of colleagues enhance the culture of the team and make them invaluable.
Great people skills make you an influence. The point of developing soft skills is not just to get people to like you, it’s to become a person with influence and persuasion. Persuasion is the ability to win someone over to a certain course of action. It’s the ability to convince people to change their course of behavior and accept your way of thinking and acting. Persuasiveness is a skill that everyone needs to have. Whether you’re an entrepreneur with a startup concept or a young pastor planting a church, it’s the ability to inspire others to join your vision in a way that is crucial to your success. Every visionary needs enablers and sustainers to succeed. It’s the ability to persuade that motivates and retains such competent partners. It’s important to understand that persuasion should never come in the form of manipulation. Manipulation tries to control the behavior of others through abusive, deceptive, or underhanded tactics. It usually involves withholding information or intentionally deceiving someone into doing something they would not normally do if they had all the information they needed to make an informed decision—or at least the truth. Good soft skills should never be about deception or manipulation. In fact, people skills are the exact opposite; they demonstrate love and respect toward others by being open and forthright with information. Colleagues know their own best interests are foremost in your mind and they respond with a paradigm of trust. They feel safe with you and believe that when you suggest or recommend a course of action, your opinion can be relied upon, not to serve yourself, but to serve the team and greater good of everyone involved. As a result, your opinion matters and you become a persuasive influence. So what are good people skills and how does one improve them? Are people skills something that can be acquired and developed with greater proficiency? Can those who lack soft skills be reformed and transformed into high value commodities in high demand? Absolutely. Anyone can improve their people skills. But like any area of our lives that we seek to change, it requires hard work and discipline. Like learning to play an instrument, developing a new aptitude, or simply trying to lose weight, there will be old habits that must be broken and new disciplines that must be acquired—it takes determination and self-control. But if you stay focused, continue to be intentional, and even force yourself to feel a little awkward, you can become that high-value performer being propelled to the next level because of excellent people skills. For more information on the power of people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon. |
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It was concerning King Saul that David said, “How the mighty have fallen, and the weapons of war perished.” His was a life that began with great promise and celebration, but ended in miserable failure and humiliation. His life is an example of how the mightiest of leaders fail.
Why do great men and women fall? How do leaders, quick to ascend with such promise of unparalleled success, find themselves awash in disastrous failure and disgrace? More importantly, can the path toward one’s downfall be discerned before it’s too late and be avoided? It is the premise of my newest book, How The Mighty Have Fallen that such a decline can be detected and reversed. The life and leadership career of King Saul, Israel's first king, provides us with a treasury of examples of "what not to do." The below blog post is the first in series of excerpts from the book to examine and avoid Saul's mistakes and find a successful path through leadership. READ AN EXCERPT |
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