THE WISDOM OF ABIGAIL: A MODEL FOR GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS People Skill #1: The Quality of Being Likable {Part One}

“Then David said to Abigail: ‘Blessed is the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand.” - 1 Samuel 25:32-22

Though her merits are numerous, Abigail’s ability to persuade started with one simple quality. She was likable. David was furious with Nabal and wanted vengeance. But, fortunately for Nabal, there was something in his wife that made David pause, something about her that softened his contempt and calmed the rage in his spirit. Abigail was disarming. She had a demeanor that enchanted David to let down his guard and listen—and be persuaded. Abigail was likable.

The first step in developing people skills is being likable. It’s the condition of invoking a favorable and caring perception from people. Obviously, if people don’t like you, they will not allow themselves to be influenced or persuaded by you. Instead, they will see you as one not to be trusted.

Abigail fell on her face before David. She bowed down to the ground and then asked to be heard. This is not to suggest we prostrate ourselves in the dirt, or slobber patronizing platitudes upon our prospect in order to win them over. No. But it does suggest that effective people skills begin with a few simple qualities to make us appealing and disarming to others.

Be interested in others. Many people mistakenly believe that the way to be likable is to impress others. So, they talk about themselves, brag about their accomplishments, and try to sound interesting. Every conversation, every experience, every example, points back to, and puts the focus back on themselves. Perhaps driven by insecurity or a need for affirmation, they think that if people are impressed, those people will admire and respect them. But nothing could be further than the truth. The reality is most people find narcissists annoying and cannot wait to get away from them. If there is a secret to becoming likable, it’s this: learn to be more interested in others than you are in yourself.

Remember names. Fundamental to good people skills is the ability to remember people’s names. When a person believes you value them, they will like you—and, remembering a person’s name is the most obvious way of making a person feel valued. Dale Carnegie said, “A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Why? Because it suggests to them that they have made an impression on you—that they matter to you. So much so, that their name has been fixed in your mind.

Be appreciative. Likable people are generous with appreciation. To appreciate someone is to emphasize their value. Abigail did this when she addressed David as her “Lord” and presented the supplies for his men. She showed how much she respected and valued him. Every person wants to be respected. It’s the one, deep need that we all have but mostly goes unmet. Abraham Lincoln once said, “Everyone likes a compliment.” Psychologist William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” If you can learn how to appreciate the value in other people, in a sincere and genuine manner, you will increase your value to them—and become more likable.

Never flatter. While it’s important to appreciate people, never stoop to flattery. Flattery is cheap, shallow, and insincere praise. It’s actually offensive to those who are discerning. Appreciation is different in that it’s genuine. True appreciation is specific and emphasizes a quality that one finds is truly remarkable and unique. Look for qualities in others that are unique and valuable. Mention to them, and others, how they blessed you and how their contribution was significant. But don’t over generalize—be specific and give details. Allow that person to sense the genuine regard you have for them through the details you describe. Be sincere. If you want to be valuable, learn to see the value in others first.

Resist the urge to complain and criticize. Benjamin Franklin said, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Dale Carnegie wrote, “Any fool can criticize and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” People who complain and criticize are social brutes. They repel rather than attract. Effective people skills require social intelligence and finesse—the capacity to demonstrate tact and diplomacy in complex social situations. This is exactly how Abigail approached David. Contrary to her husband Nabal, who antagonized David with accusations and insults, Abigail was socially agile and diplomatic. With humility, she helped him to see that exacting vengeance would actually diminish his own integrity and become a black mark on his career. Clearly, Abigail wanted to change David, but she did so only through grace, charm, and wisdom.

Remember to smile. Your smile matters. It makes a statement. It says, “I like you. I’m glad to see you. I want to be around you.” This is the effect your smile can have on the people around you. If you want to be likeable, learn how to smile. A supervisor at a big box store said she “would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn’t finished grade school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of philosophy with a somber face.” Remember that smiling is a discipline. It often requires us to be intentional. Don’t allow your emotions to determine what you wear on your face. We smile, not because we are happy, but because we are strong.

For more information on the people skill of likability, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon.

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