 One of the greatest social blunders made by people today is talking too much. They go on, and on, and on—talking and talking—long after when the listener has stopped listening. Unfortunately, these social tyrants don’t even realize that the person to whom they are speaking just wants to get away from them. Even more, they become known as someone to avoid—or they will “chew your ear off.” If you’re going to be an effective communicator, you must begin with the realization that God gave you two ears and one mouth which means you should do twice as much listening as you do talking. James 1:19 tells us: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. Too often I speak to people and it’s clear that when I finally get a chance to say something, they aren’t really listening—they are just thinking about what they are going to say next. Listening needs to be “active.” It needs to be intentional and focused attention. It’s putting your own need to be heard on pause and deliberately “tuning in” to the other person’s frequency in a way that they can detect you are interested in them. Great communicators ask good questions. Any person can talk about what’s important to himself, but it’s the skilled communicator who can draw conversation out of another and provoke from them a desire to listen. Proverbs 20:5 tells us that “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” We do this by showing a genuine interest in what they have to say through asking questions. If there is a specific issue that the person is concerned about, take the time to ask about the details. Draw out from them the who, what, where, when, and how. Don’t be quick to offer advice and solutions or give an opinion. Most people are not interested in your opinion—most people simply want to be heard. They are not being selfish or egotistical, they are satisfying a need. Talking is therapeutic. Talking allows a person to process information and sort through the details. By listening and asking questions, you’re serving that person’s need to express and process. In doing so, you not only meet a basic need in that person, but also provoke in them a very favorable impression of you. Great communicators seek to clarify. Proverbs 12:18 tells us: “Words that are reckless pierce like a knife, but the tongue of the wise promotes healing.” Additionally, Proverbs 29:20 asks: “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Communication can often be misunderstood. Too often the listener attaches meaning to certain verbal tones or physical cues and the result is an offense often blown out of proportion. Everyone has certain filters through which information must be interpreted. Unfortunately, for many people, these filters are not always healthy or clear. Some people carry deep wounds from their past which cause them to distort certain statements. It’s like viewing events through a cracked windshield: Everything is distorted through old scars and painful experiences. As statements are processed through these distortions, they can be misunderstood and blown to extremes. This is often why minor conflicts escalate into major arguments that hurl accusations and unfair characterizations. Not least of which are ubiquitous phrases such as: “you always…” or “you never...” or “why can’t you ever…?” The wise communicator understands that these filters—or cracked windshields—are always present. So, before she reacts with emotion and escalates the exchange, she will restate certain remarks to clarify the intent of the speaker. She will say, “Let me be sure I understand what you’re saying, I think I hear you say…,” then she restates what she thinks the person said, asking for accuracy. Upon hearing what was perceived, the person will often retract certain statements and clarify their position. It’s a people skill that deescalates heated exchanges and brings common sense back into the dialogue. For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon. Comments are closed.
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It was concerning King Saul that David said, “How the mighty have fallen, and the weapons of war perished.” His was a life that began with great promise and celebration, but ended in miserable failure and humiliation. His life is an example of how the mightiest of leaders fail.
Why do great men and women fall? How do leaders, quick to ascend with such promise of unparalleled success, find themselves awash in disastrous failure and disgrace? More importantly, can the path toward one’s downfall be discerned before it’s too late and be avoided? It is the premise of my newest book, How The Mighty Have Fallen that such a decline can be detected and reversed. The life and leadership career of King Saul, Israel's first king, provides us with a treasury of examples of "what not to do." The below blog post is the first in series of excerpts from the book to examine and avoid Saul's mistakes and find a successful path through leadership. READ AN EXCERPT |
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