THE WISDOM OF ABIGAIL: A MODEL FOR GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS People Skill #3: Listening to Understand

Great communicators are good listeners. In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains that most of people are preoccupied with being “understood” rather than seeking to “understand.” But great communicators know how to “shut-up and listen.”

Communication is not simply talking to convey information. That’s only a part of it. In fact, it’s a rather small part. The most important part of communication is listening. It’s receiving and understanding what the other person is feeling, thinking and saying before you express your own thoughts and opinions. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” If you want to avoid folly and shame, seek to understand, rather than seeking to be understood.

One of the greatest social blunders made by people today is talking too much. They go on, and on, and on—talking and talking—long after when the listener has stopped listening. Unfortunately, these social tyrants don’t even realize that the person to whom they are speaking just wants to get away from them. Even more, they become known as someone to avoid—or they will “chew your ear off.” If you’re going to be an effective communicator, you must begin with the realization that God gave you two ears and one mouth which means you should do twice as much listening as you do talking. James 1:19 tells us: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. Too often I speak to people and it’s clear that when I finally get a chance to say something, they aren’t really listening—they are just thinking about what they are going to say next. Listening is focused attention. It’s putting your own need to be heard on pause and deliberately “tuning in” to the other person’s frequency.

To be an active listener means you’re responding with certain cues to indicate you’re “tuned-in” and receiving. Verbal responses, such as “Yes, I hear you,” or “I see,” or “I didn’t realize that,” and visual indicators like nodding in the affirmative and direct eye contact, all send the message that you’re focused and engaged.

Body language is equally important. If your arms and legs are crossed and your face is grimaced, it implies that you’re resistant and opposed to what is being said. But if your hands are down and you lean forward, looking the person in the eye, it suggests that you’re receiving and respecting what is being said (even though you may not agree).

A recent report in Harvard Business Review indicated that 55 percent of the meaning in our words is derived from facial expressions. Thirty-eight percent is in how the words are said (tone). Seven percent is in the actual words spoken. Body language, eye contact, posture, and verbal cues are an essential part of communication—especially to express that we are respectful and engaged listeners. And when you’re perceived as a respectful listener, you earn the right to be listened to.

For more information on great people skills, check out my latest book, UPWARD: Taking Your Life to the Next Level now available on Amazon.

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